Doctor's visits

anyone else stress about these?

Photo by Matthew Ball on Unsplash

I was feeling off as I sat to write this week. Instead of pushing myself to work on what I had intended, I let myself sink into what really was on my mind. Perhaps you will relate. The last few weeks have involved meeting my new primary care physician, requiring a number of medical visits and testing. This post is not about my health; it’s about fear.

I’m writing to Beautiful Chorus’s “Thank you for Your Blessings” from their Hymns of Spirit album. The song reminds me of what I’ve learned over the years. I’ll link the song at the bottom.

The lyrics—

Thank you for your blessings 

Your guidance is wise indeed 

Thank you for your blessings 

Your lessons live on in me

Distracted, my energy wanes as I sit to write this week’s post. 

What’s wrong, my girl?

An easy answer is medical issues of any kind, mine or my loved ones, or even a stranger I learn of, dissect me. 

My mind flips back through the years like the old cartoon booklets, the pages swiping left to show snippets of my life.

My mother was not a mean woman. She was a beautician who cared for her patrons like the nurse she had so long dreamed of becoming.

Dreams can be brutal when one loses hope of achieving them.

Wishing for escape and turning to two marriages, neither will ever fill the void; my mother finds herself in a chasm she will not dig her way out of.

My youth was simple, tortured, and surprisingly sweet when my mom’s walls came down. I knew I was loved. I twirled and celebrated in her midst. I never once saw my mother dance. 

Her angst over the simplest of my childhood illnesses leaves me anxious and afraid of doctors. Years are spent dwelling on the possibility of illness until I drop my mother’s cape of fear from my shoulders like the plague that it is. It takes the better part of 40 years to do that.

I once again twirl and dance.

My current days are simple, not tortured, and oh so sweet. While illness and suffering are ever a possibility, I no longer turn my gaze in that direction. When and if they arrive, I will do my best to greet them with gratitude that it has taken this long.

In the meantime, every now and again, I will become anxious if I must tend to medical issues, which the last few weeks have entailed. 

What’s wrong, my girl?

Just a few doctor appointments on the horizon.